This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
