I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
