i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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