is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
