sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
