Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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