dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
