Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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