I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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