At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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