The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize