I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
