i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
