One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
