You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
