Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
