A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Shame - the story of my life.
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