my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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