We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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