This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
