oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
