If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
