just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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