it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
