I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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