I smell stomach acid.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
