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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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