when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
