i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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