Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
