you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize