My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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