Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Mom said you looked used
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
tell me about the eggs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
