She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
