Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
