This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
