drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
