I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
