Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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