There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
