When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He? As in you personified your dick?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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