You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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