Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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