The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
