Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
