I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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