He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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