He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
