Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
