It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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