i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
