We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
