if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
