You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
