i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
