if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
