I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
