He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize