also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
