Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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