it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
