Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
