I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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