ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
