Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
