So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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