mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
barbara walters just said penis...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
