I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
