Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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